Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
