Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
