i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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