After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
