you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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