note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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