oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Randomize
