I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
