We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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