Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
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