Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
