you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
