The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
