There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
