I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
