I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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