college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize