I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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