thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
so much tequila, so little girl.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
