ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
