There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
