tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you will always have a special place in my vag
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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