I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
