Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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