Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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