I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
