I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
