it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
