Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
