Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
