When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
