i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
