Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
