he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
