Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
