If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
