Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
