Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
