You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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