guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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