Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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