I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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