I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize