Old men and throwing up are my life now.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize