Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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