if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
