I think I died a long time ago.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
