I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
