Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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