exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
