Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
