I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
