after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
