i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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