one word: firstdatebathroomanal
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize