Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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