He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
