I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
