If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
