According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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