Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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