and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
