Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
