idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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