I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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